I Rule the World

Proclamation

Let it be known across every land, sea, and moderately contested time zone: the world now has a ruler, and the ruler is me. The transition was peaceful, the paperwork minimal, and the objections — as of press time — precisely zero, largely because nobody was asked.

My reign shall be benevolent. Naps are hereby encouraged, meetings that could have been emails are abolished, and the printer that jams shall answer for its crimes. The oceans (71% of the surface, an excellent majority) have already agreed to remain calm about the whole thing.

History will remember this day. Mostly because it is written here, on the official website, which — as everyone knows — makes it true.